Dating Hiatus: One Year Later
A year ago, I made the pivotal decision to quit dating. This meant no situationships, no talking stages, no giving out my number to "randos" (even if they were cute), and absolutely NO DATING APPS for at least a year. This decision was due to the realization that I had become a serial dater. I had fallen down the calamitous path that many 20-somethings follow on their casual dating journey. It became dire, for many reasons, that I needed to rest from the burnout and take time to reflect on what kept going wrong for me.
Now that I’ve spent an entire year without speaking to someone romantically, I can give you all the reasons it is the best decision you could ever make if you have the same problem.
Why I quit dating
Before we get into the nitty-gritty, I’d like to give you guys some back story into why I made the decision to go cold-turkey on my “love life.” This time last year, I was struggling to get over someone I’d known for just a few short weeks, but who was everything I thought I wanted in a guy. This person had checked off everything on my list of qualifications for a possible first boyfriend. We had the same values, he came with great references, we had fun together, and he kept telling me he could see us together long term. Of course, I fell hard, and when it ended I fell even harder.
Even before I met him, I felt like God was telling me to put dating on hold and to just focus on me. I’d played around with the idea for a couple months, but I didn’t make a resolute decision at the time. When I realized how careless I had been with my heart, yet again, it made sense to finally put dating in the background and realign my focus. I told myself a year will do, and then I’d reevaluate to see if more time was needed. You’ll have to stick around until the end to find out what happened once my year was up.
In essence, that last experience was the catalyst, the "end-all-be-all," or "the last straw" as they say, that led me to quit dating. However, we all have little underlying motives that lead up to being discontented with dating. I had about three reasons that gave me further validation to focus on myself. If you identify with any of these, then maybe it's time to consider putting dating on hold.
Reasons to Stop Serial Dating
1.Dating the same person or getting the same outcome
If you find yourself dating different people who have similar characteristics or toxic traits, then you may be subconsciously choosing the same person over and over again. There is a deep psychological reason for this problem that needs to be recognized and addressed before it causes more disappointment and heartache. Personally, I have recognized that I lean towards emotionally unavailable men. Whether that's because of a past relationship or a deep unexposed insecurity, it has led to disappointment and dissatisfaction when trying to find a suitable partner. How do we fix this? Recognize your patterns, figure out what needs to change, and put in the effort to not get the same outcome again. It’s easier said than done, but like anything, practice makes perfect! 2. Relationship Anxiety
Yes, relationship anxiety is a real thing and is no joke. Surprisingly, it didn’t happen to me until, out of the blue, last year. Just having a conversation with a guy would send me into hysterical sobbing, panic attacks, hyperventilating, and obsessive thoughts. A common scenario would look like, “Oh, you want to take me on a date? Ok, let me just go cry and have a breakdown in the bathroom real quick.” I had never experienced anything like this before, so I tried to ignore those feelings and reactions as best as I could. After my last fling I realized how bad things were, and I needed to seek counseling before I could even contemplate dating again. If any of those symptoms resonate with you, then I suggest also talking to someone before things get worse. 3. Dating Burnout
Most of us have experienced burnout one way or another, whether it be from a job, school or family responsibilities. Dating can also cause us to be emotionally fatigued or burnt out. What is Dating Burnout? Simply put, it’s exhaustion from prolonged dating or overexertion in our dating life. I would say that I definitely hit my threshold of exhaustion after losing count of how many dates I went on in a year. Burnout is also more commonly associated with dating app use. It can get frustrating swiping, talking, and meeting lots of people over and over. It is also hard to know when you have burnout sometimes, which makes it extremely hard to recover from. A few ways to know if you are experiencing dating burnout is, if dating isn’t fun and just feels monotonous, you’ve lost hope in being in a relationship, or you begin to take rejection a lot harder than you used to. Psychology Today gives a breakdown on how to identify dating burnout and how to combat it. According to Hinge, 61% of users felt burnt out from dating. That’s a huge number that may continue to grow, if we don’t watch ourselves. My commitment to not dating for an entire year was very serious. I even told my best friend that if Steph Curry (my celebrity crush) were to walk up and ask me to be with him, I'd tell him to keep moving! This girl is on a mission, and she will not be swayed (not even by the most handsome man in the entire NBA.) The amazing outcomes that resulted during this year have continued to increase and make it easier to pursue a life of singleness. At this point, it would take a lot to get me out of the comfort I have by myself. Now I'm going to tell you what my dating hiatus did for me. Below are five things that may happen to you when you stop dating. Benefits of a Dating Fast
1.Realigned Purpose
Does it feel like you’ve gotten away from your usual passions and goals? That’s okay, it happens to the best of us. Dating can be a fun way to spend your free time, but if it becomes an obsessive focus then it's time to take a break. Ever heard the phrase “let go and let God?” Sometimes that’s exactly what we need to do, just let God handle it. In the meantime there are plenty of things to focus on other than dating. This is the time to put all your focus on your education, career, life goals, and life-changing decisions. In my first two years of college, a serious relationship wasn’t even on my radar due to the mountain of homework that needed my attention. It took this entire year but, once I cut out the distraction of dating, I discovered a new passion to propel me. This blog also came to fruition, after a year of procrastination, as soon as I got out of my last situationship. The focus and clarity I had for this blog was insane, and I wish that same motivation for any of you struggling to find a passion. 2. Fall in Love With Yourself
This goes along with aligning your purpose. Once you take out distractions, like dating, you will begin to find yourself again, as well as new passions/ hobbies/ goals. It’s amazing how comfortable I’ve gotten being by myself again. ;I’ve gone on several solo dates, spent more time with friends and family, and had a newfound confidence in myself and my abilities. You realize how free and beautiful it is to have your life belong to just you. It is a freedom that may be taken for granted sometimes. The author Blythe Roberson, whose book "America the Beautiful? One Woman in a Borrowed Prius on the Road Most Traveled," embodies this idea by exploring the question, “what if a woman could find individual adventure too.” 3. Discover Exactly What You Want in a Partner
I used to think making a list of my future partner's qualities was ridiculous. Then someone told me they made a list of qualities for their future husband which included him owning a boat, and, surprisingly, they got the man of their dreams who came with a boat! After hearing that, I went home, brainstormed a few things, and wrote them down in a journal. I have kept that journal and continued adding to the list - minus the boat - and it has given me a better idea of what to look for in the future. However, don’t confine yourself rigidly to a list as you may miss out on someone unexpected. It’s good to put the non-negotiables at the top of your list and keep those in mind for the future. 4. Improved Standards
I’ve found that my standards for dating have increased tremendously during this year-long hiatus. Previously, I would have entertained meaningless and purposeless relationships or conversations with people. I also may have tolerated some rude, disrespectful, and just plain, weird behavior. Now I’m proud to say, I listen to my gut, pay attention to a person’s words and intentions from the get-go to ascertain if they are worthy of being in my life. If someone does not have the right intentions, similar values and attitudes, or just doesn’t fit in your circle then do not hesitate to cut them out right away. We should only entertain high-quality friendships and relationships. 5. Patience
It is important to make sure you’re picking a partner that is the RIGHT person and not just ANY person. There is most definitely a difference as I’m sure most of you know. That was something I had to learn through my dating endeavors. Just because you have great conversations, chemistry, and passion for each other does not mean that person is your person or even a good person. It has become imprinted on my soul that the right thing to do is stay single until that person comes or doesn’t. It would be devolving, not evolving, to go back to casual dating, especially at my big age of 25. IN THE END
Those are 5 aspects in which you may grow when going through a dating fast. I personally love how things are going and the life I have created with these ideals in mind. It is also important to note that you can use this guide for anything in your life, with your own timeline and rules. Now that my year-long hiatus is up, you’re probably wondering whether I will prolong it or jump back in the dating pool. On the “anniversary” of my hiatus, out of pure boredom, I decided to see what the apps were looking like after such a long time off of them. I still had no intention of pursuing a serious relationship, but I thought why not see what my prospects were looking like. I downloaded the apps again last month, and this is what happened... absolutely nothing. Well, not exactly. I only got a handful of decent matches who turned out to be not so decent after all. There was only one person that I had a good conversation with, but things turned sour once we FaceTimed. Let's just say, I was less than impressed when he used the bathroom mid-conversation. Yeah. So, I made the decision to let him down as easily as possible and stay off the apps for the foreseeable future.
