I’m Sick of Being Called Beautiful, Here’s Why…

If you’re a woman you’ve probably had these phrases addressed to you before and most likely by members of the opposite sex.  In my opinion, it feels like the words beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, etc have become overused and generalized compliments to unnecessarily validate women. Some may agree and others may not.  I just wanted to add my perspective on this topic because it’s something that’s been on my mind for a while.  So let’s get into it!

I had a conversation with my best friend recently where I explained to her that I hate (with a burning passion) being called beautiful by people who barely know me. What led to this conversation was a recent text exchange between me and a guy who I met through mutual friends. That night he asked for my number, and we agreed to keep in touch.  I expectantly awaited his first text, which we all know is big for first impressions.  Sadly, my expectations were let down when I finally received his text the next morning…

I thought to myself, “Agghh nooo, we were off to such a good start, why’d you have to ruin it!” It took me a while to think of how I wanted to respond because, in all honesty, if he’d been a guy I met on Tinder I probably would’ve left him on read. However, it would’ve been incredibly rude to do that to someone I’d probably see in the future and who had so courteously paid for my meal the night before. So I called my best friend and asked for help.  This led to me revealing how I was not impressed by the “Hey beautiful” greeting.  My friends responded by saying they would fervently pray for me.  

My explanation was that I just hate being called beautiful or being complimented on my looks by someone I barely know. Some of you may be as shocked and confused as my friends were by this statement.  You may also be asking, what’s wrong with this?  Shouldn't I be grateful and pleased that people think I’m beautiful? I asked myself the same thing.  

“We’re not just pretty objects, we’re also beings with intelligence, empathy, humor, and unique characteristics.  ”

Through further discussion with my friend I came to a conclusion.  One reason I may not like to be complimented on my looks by strangers is because it feels like a very shallow and unoriginal compliment to give.  Meaning, it’s as if a person is just seeing the outside appearance of me and not the complex and unique person on the inside.  Like they’re not trying to see, question, and understand who I really am. This is really concerning when talking to someone who is supposed to be getting to know more about me.

Secondly, it’s also commonly what men with the wrong intentions do.  They don’t attempt to come up with anything original because they consider that woman not worth the effort to see her as anything other than an object.  I would not want to be around anyone who thinks I owe them something just because they gave me a little attention.  Our self-worth should not be dependent on how men view us. 

One guy I dated always sent good morning texts that sometimes said beautiful, but more often he used a nickname that referenced my kindness. That was one of the first things he noticed about me.  I preferred his use of that nickname because it was really sweet, genuine, and thoughtful.  He was able to see beyond the superficial and search for something that really described who I was.  

It is also wise to keep in mind that some people may find phrases like this triggering.  Victims of abuse may not appreciate hearing compliments such as these because that’s what their abuser may have said to them.  We should always keep in mind how anything we say can be perceived the wrong way.   

With that being said, compliments on someone’s looks can come off as creepy if said in the wrong context or situations.  My friend and I both agreed that, “hey beautiful” is an over-used phrase by creepy old men.  Trust me, not a day goes by when someone’s grandpa pulls up on me, staring me up and down, and saying how beautiful I am.  *cue disgust face*

So what do we do about this?

Now I don’t think we need to erase words like beautiful out of our vocabulary, but I think we should practice defining what exactly we think is beautiful about a person. Try thinking more deeply about what exactly makes a person beautiful and compliment those definitive things to show what we really see in that person.

For example, some of my favorite compliments I’ve received about myself are:

“You have a peaceful spirit”

“You’re really talented”

“You have an awesome smile”

“You have a good soul and heart and you’re easy to talk to”

Personally, my self-esteem does not rely on whether others think I’m beautiful. I am aware this may not be the case for others. For instance, I had a friend who had self-esteem issues related to her being bullied because of how she looked.  She probably could have benefitted from hearing these comments more than I could have.  However, some psychologists say that telling someone they’re beautiful often does not lead them to actually believing it. Instead, it makes us focus even more on our appearance, sometimes negatively.

Beauty is subjective which is why I think it can be damaging at times to our society when we place such high regard on it.   It’s a tricky balance of finding the right person to tell these things to and how often we use them so that it does not become a cornerstone for someone’s self-identity.  

Ultimately what I’m trying to get at, is that maybe we should be careful of overusing compliments on someone’s looks so that beauty isn’t confined to our identity.  This goes for men and women.  I love being told I’m beautiful by other women, but sometimes I wish I’d hear other compliments about myself.  

I personally prefer the word beautiful being reserved for more intimate relationships like family, best friends, and romantic relationships.  It’s important that we make each woman feel like we see her for more than what she looks like.  Call her intelligent, enthusiastic, confident, hard-working, creative, energetic, talented, passionate, etc.  It shows a more genuine and deep interest in who that person is.

Let me know what you think about this topic in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you!